Monday, April 23, 2012
From Fit to Fat
This Blog post was written by Tiffany, Surrogate Mother
Currently 6 weeks pregnant
This is my fourth attempt in the last month to talk about my pre pregnancy weight gain. This is really hard for me to write. I have typed this out for several weeks and then stopped, erased, restarted. Every sentance I type I think how much people will judge me, remark on what I have done wrong, or remark on my current looks. If you are reading this post, it means I got enough courage to not care what bad things others say or think about me and to just post the truth. I have been wanting to write about the reality of the situation, that this is a challenge I am currently facing and have been for a while.
I have always been a slender person. Not necessarily "fit," as the word "fit" to me, would describe someone who could compete in a physical challenge in Survivor, winning individual immunity. Ya, that is not me. However, I still always felt fit. Being "overweight" has never been a challenge with me. I have packed on a few lbs here and there as I have gotten older and always been able to lose weight with simple diet and exercise fairly quickly. Standing at a lovely 5'9 (okay fine, 5'8) I was a healthy 135 lbs when I met my husband in 2007. I had already had my first baby by then and bounced back perfectly to pre-baby weight and body. Before we had our second baby in 2009, I had gained a little "pre pregnancy weight" and pregnancy weight, therefore, had a little more to lose this second time around. By the time our baby had turned two years old, last August, I was 150 lbs and pleased as punch. Being 30 years old, two children and a size 8 seemed lovely and healthy to me. Of course I would have loved to shed a little more, maybe hit 140, but I was fine the way I was and I was all into myself "heeeeeeey!"
Then came the medication for the surrogacy. I am the type of person who gains an instant 10 lbs from birth control (and an instant 30 lbs from NO birth control hahahaha). So when my IUD came out, I gained 10 lbs very quickly after going on the nuva ring in November. In December we started new medications and I have been on hormone medicine ever since with the exception of having a natural cycle after the last embryos did not take. The Lupron, Estrace, Progesterone, and Vivelle patches all had a side effect of weight gain or bloating or water retention. I got up to 187lbs. I am a healthy eater, my husband is an organic, vegan, health conscious and he does all the cooking in the house. I eat normal portions currently, and even more currently I am not too hungry. However, my drive to work out completely vanished so I know that is a poor mix with the medication. Now that I am still currently on three of these medications and of course, pregnant, I don't anticipate a huge drop in weight anytime soon. Although I finally got down to 179/180 lbs and stayed there, it just is not the same. I am stuck.
I have suddenly become that person who does not want her photo taken, who positions herself slightly behind another person in pictures to hide some of my body. Why? I wish so much it did not bother me that I have gained such a large amount so quickly. It affects me in every area. I feel more tired and less motivated, I don't feel like attending large social events, I don't feel as in love with myself when I look in the mirror. God forbid I see a picture of myself! I always think I look skinnier than I am until a photo pops up and holy cow (no pun intended) my day is shot after that. I do not feel as confident, especially around my skinny friends. I feel whenever I see someone that has not seen me in a while, I have to quickly justify why I look so different, as if to tell them I am aware, before they can think it or go tell their friends how big I got. It really is like being in a new body. No clothes fit anymore, I have to fill the bathtub with a little less water than before (don't laugh it's true! Okay fine laugh, it's funny). Here is what my biggest problem is; my biggest problem is that I HAVE a problem with it. I wish I could just think I am fabulous while being chunky and rock the crap out of it and know that in one year my body will be back. Funny thing is, I don't mind gaining weight while pregnant and getting bigger at all. I always think I am "all belly" and look like Heidi Klum when she is pregnant. When in reality, towards the end of my pregnancies, I am so pudgy from ankles to cheeks (face cheeks people. Okay, let's be honest, butt cheeks too) it looks like a thousand bees stung me! Also, I have friends who are my weight and I think they are just beautiful. which makes me realize how mad I am at myself for not loving myself the way I used to. I love my friends so much and it breaks my heart when they don't love themselves the same. Now I am in their shoes, not loving myself enough.
Here is my "fit to fat" photo. This photo on the left is my body before medications at 150 lbs, and then second photo was taken the day of the second transfer, just a few weeks ago at around 180 lbs (give or take an embryo).
Now I know some of you will look at this photo and not see the weight gain, or say nice things to me still. Or say how silly this all
sounds. Or try to convince me that I still look good. However, I am the one living with it and I think most of us can relate when we are not happy with our bodies and what kind of affect that has on us.
With all of this being said, I want it to be known that I would do this again in a heart beat if the outcome meant a baby for my brother and his wife. In hindsight, does it really matter that I packed on a few pounds (especially during winter, most likely resulting in a nice money saving tactic for our heating bill) in order to produce the greatest miracle out there? I don't think it matters, and I don't think the world will judge me harshly that I look this way currently. I don't think any of you will think of me as a lesser person because I gained this weight. Now if only I could convince myself, all would be as it should. In all other areas of my life, I accept who I am. I accept I talk too much, I laugh too loud, I crack inappropriate jokes too much, I pee my pants every few years, I think farts are funny, I cry when no one is looking, I am disorganized, I am motivated, I am a great mother, I am an imperfect mother, I am a loving wife, I make mistakes, I am imperfect and I love who I am because I am constantly growing and trying to be better. I need to love what I am, all that I
am and that includes this body.
This is not a solicitation for compliments. There are times I still think I am fabulous, and I have the best friends and family and husband who feed me till I am full with compliments. This is simply a share, an honest share about the struggles I am facing and perhaps other women, not just on fertility drugs, can relate to weight gain, body changes and adjustments. I hope maybe we can all ease up on each other, but mostly on ourselves. Eat healthy, exercise, take care of our bodies and if we are slightly imperfect, find out how to be okay with that. To genuinely love our bodies, our shapes, our sizes.
Overall I am doing well with the pregnancy so far. No morning sickness yet (knock on wood). I don't "feel" pregnant because the hormones have made me feel pregnant for so long. I do feel REALLY tired in mid afternoon, I would love to take a lovely spring nap every day if possible. I cannot wait for my belly to start growing and to feel some movement in there! The ultra sound is next week and I know I am going to cry when I see that tiny flutter of life, that tiny white spec, that little baby heart beating swiftly. And soon, this weight issue will be a thing of the past. Soon as in... not really any time soon, but know what I mean.
As always, thank you so much for reading and supporting our journey. We have some exciting news coming soon, so stay tuned.
Don't forget to like our movie on Facebook www.facebook.com/ABellyForMeABabyForYou to stay up with all the news about the documentary.
"Accept yourself as you are. Otherwise, you will never see opportunity. You will not feel free to move toward it - you will feel you are not deserving." Maxwell Maltz
Posted by A Belly For Me, A Baby For You at 7:44 PM